[Listening to: ben folds five - selfless, cold and composed - Ben Folds Five - (6:10)]
Friday, June 25, 2004
my mind's a turmoil
Ok..now, I have to sort through my thoughts since Andi has been back. Before she got back, I missed her but I was really good and happy all of the last two weeks. I had a few of the best weekends ever, even the setbacks at work couldn't get me down. And I got Andi's postcard the day she was supposed to get back, and that the euphoric high. And since, my mood being going sorta downhill. It started with her call at midnight when I got to bed. Her phonecall that woke me up was fine..and then she told me that the first thing she did was run with the younger people at home and go across town and see her ex-boyfriend. And then, they hung out at a sports bar. And the time she got to call me was past midnight. She got back early enough to atleast have called me and told me that she was back in town. I was actually waiting for her to call. I realized that they had been back when I saw her mom login in to AIM. The mention of her ex-boyfriend set it off. I couldn't really talk because I was on the verge of sleeping and my mind was mostly offline for the night, and I couldn't concentrate on the conversation. So, next morning I emailed her and said hi properly this time. I got back from work early and called her because she told me that she was free during the day. Only to find out that she couldn't talk to me because she was leaving to go and hang out with her ex-boyfriend. And then there was a party that she was going to with him. All the activities isn't what is bothering me because if it had been anyone but Urs, I could care less. And then she hung out with him all evening from what I got out of the short conversation I had with her just now. He is over at her house now. Now, the thing that is bothering me is that I haven't been able to talk to her properly since she has been back. and she is spending a LOT of time with Urs. I know he is there for a month but the gray area with ex-boyfriends is very thin. I trust her but when ever she tells me that she is with Urs, it makes my chest feel tight. I just wish she made time for me. I know I would have for her. If it came between talking to andi if at that point I hadn't talked to her for a while, and hanging out with a friend, it would be a no brainer for me. I want her to hang out with her friends and have fun. But this now just doesnt feel right to me. She told me about her ex-boyfriend and related stuff especially about the breakup, and thats the reason my mind's not at ease eventhough I trust Andi. Something to break trust can happen in a split second. I know that pretty well, so I try to stay away from such situations if possible or be careful otherwise. I am now worried about my stay there before I leave for Japan because Urs will be around for sure. And I know its going to be awkward with him with Andi around, although I am curious to meet him in person. I wonder how she would react if this was happening to her. I have noticed that Kristin and Matt chat or talk everyday even if it's for 10 minutes. I called Andi and sounded pretty bad, and I felt crappy because of the way I sounded.