Sunday, June 27, 2004

I might have a new allergy

Fighting the awkward feeling I have when I call Andi, I did call her. And then I heard that she was hanging out with her ex again at home. The moment I heard his name, my voice choked and I couldn't get myself to talk to her any more then. So, I talked to Carlo since he is leaving tomorrow. It was good to catch up with him and promised to keep in touch by the internet. I actually will try hard to meet him when I go to Italy next summer. He has been an awesome friend, I have never connected with a guy so quickly. I felt like if I had seen him more, I would have gotten to know him very well. It took me over an hour to shut myself down after calling her. I have never lost control of my emotions like this for sometime. I couldn't talk. I couldn't stop the cussing in my head. I paced around in the room listening to loud music for about 30 minutes. After I folded my laundry, I started gaining control. And then soon, I was basically shut down and my head turned quiet. It sapped a lot of my energy out in the process of cooling down. I have realized that I have never felt good on the mention of Urs since she first talked about him. It almost seems like I have an allergic reaction to his name. Seriously, this shouldn't be affecting me like this, and I don't know why I keep feeling like that. It could be the fact that I feel Andi is not making any time for me, and the time I get to talk to her is when she is half asleep. And she has been hanging out with him a lot, geez, every time I have called he is around or she is with him or going to see him. She keeps telling me not to worry, but that isn't making me feel any better. I am finding it very difficult to deal with this alone. I would feel better if she made some quality time to talk to me. Or maybe im me or something. It feels like I am forgotten. I guess that happens when you have friends around but when you are alone, you think about the other person. Doll's surprised that we don't have contact even once a day when I told her that I talked to her every third or fourth day. She thought that's how it went if two people were dating.
            I wonder if I am being taught a lesson. Life's a bitch, deal with it and learn from your mistakes. Andi is the only uncontrollable( and huge) variable in my life now. I control other spheres in my life with the things I do or don't do... But I guess thats life, not everything goes as you plan. I have noticed how most of the things in the past year are directly or indirectly related to Andi, and it's giving her a lot of credit. But its true. My grades are up, I actually made the Deans' list twice with tough classes. Friends I have made or had issues with are also related to her. Dancing classes was her idea, and I loved it. My parents actually realizing that their lil kid is maturing quick, and is capable of making tough adult decisions including relationships. It's funny how she has become the most important person in my life after family.

[Listening to: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want (4:16)]

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