Sunday, February 06, 2005

talking about possessiveness

I have been thinking about this for a long time now. I have noticed that I am very possessive about certain people. One in particular. I know, she knows, everyone knows. Although I think, with the time that has passed, I'm getting better at giving space. I don't think I have ever been so possessive about anyone before, not at this level anyway. It makes me feel irrational, which for the most part I'm not. When I have bouts of possessiveness, I feel very guilty later and that works to keep me from doing it even more in the future. I remember I was a little bit possessive about Komal freshman fall because she was one of my very few friends I actually connected with. So, I would be around her a lot. But when that got to her, she asked me to give a little space and expand my friend's circle. That's when the whole friend's circle boom came. I made friends in hordes and all over. I remember the best ones were Jessi and her pals and then Kristin and Mary. Kristin and Mary care a little more about me than the others but I still like the others and would do almost anything for them. Jessi is definitely a different sort of friend. She is incredibly comfortable around me. Actually, so are all people I met through her..

Well, I have been at the receiving end of possessiveness only once. That also happened in 2002-03. Bhavya has been my only friend who actually made me feel like she needed me and wanted me. Although lately, there has been a certain communication gap because both of us lead very busy lives but that will be solved sometime for sure. Life in India is not easy. I lead a comfortable life here and I tend to forget that it's not the same there.. I think there is a certain sense of possessiveness I get from Vandy and Eisha, however it is subtle. I want to feel needed and wanted but not to be used and abused or taken advantage of. I have been down the road of being taken advantage of and it hurts and pisses me off at the same time. I have never associated with her after that.

I think all of this has been a learning experience and tells me what to do and what not to do. Will I be so possessive in the future? Who knows? For now, I feel like I am learning watch when to back off and allow breathing room.

I want a companion.
[Listening to: LeeLee - Nine Days - SHU Xtras (3:27)]


~kimberly~ said...

Being taken advantage of, and taking advantage of someone is something EVERYONE experiences, at one time or another. Just a part of life's suckfest lesson. We are strong because of it in the end. As far as a companion, i hear ya! But, chocolate and books keep me occupied. If some guy thinks he can compete with a Godiva Truffle and a lazy afternoon at Barnes & Noble... dont wake him from his dream. ;)

Mary said...

I miss you a lot, and had I stayed at Coe longer I know I would've been posessive. Also, even if I havn't ever shown it, I do need you and want you as a presence in my life- I consider you one of my very best friends.
I'm so excited you're coming to visit me soon!!
Love ya,
PS- I miss listening to Nine Days. It was my favorite CD, but it got all scratched up. You should enjoy them extra for me.